It takes 2 hands to clap. Isolation would only work when others do not give a damn either. The feeling is seriously f-ed up. Just let them think what they want. They think I cmi, they think I'm a piece of crap, they think I'm incapable of anything and would never amount to anything great, it's ok. I'll have faith in myself and I'll give myself time to prove myself to be equally, if not more, successful.
I know I have people who still care for me- my family, steph, qiqi, wini aka pooh bear and 1 friend from one of my cliques. I can't say the same for the rest. There're so many times I find myself being neglected. I admit, I'm a rather sensitive person who needs slightly more care and concern than others. I have poor self-esteem and I compensate that with care that is showered upon me by others. I am disappointed that I'm left out of so many things and that I have to find out about them myself. But I'll be fine. I know I can pick myself up. I'll make it. The WeiLing that I know myself to be is not going to give up just because I lack the support from people whom I thought I could have depended on in times like these.
31 days in july, but I have only 5 off days. I have to wake up at 8.15am everyday and after it ends, I still have to work. I can do it. I know I can. Just 1 month and I probably won't be around anymore. But I know I have the utmost support from my family and dearies to keep me going. Jiayou WeiLing! It may not seem worthy of respect to anyone that I mention it to but I'll be at the starting line with everyone else and I'll make damn sure I emerge champion.
Thanks so much to my family, steph, qiqi, pooh bear and ah tok. Lol. I'm really thankful! I will pull through. Cuz I know there are people worse than me who managed to succeed. I know I can too, if only given a chance. No one knows the exact details anyway. I've done my best and I believe they are decent enough to compete. Ha.
Tmr going to east coast for pooh bear's farewell. Have been some time since I've been to east coast at night. Hopefully I can see stars like I did 2 years back =)
11:22:00 PM
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Everytime without fail, I can't help but feel inferior after an outing.
I feel like I'm totally unfit to be an odacian. I wonder, is odac even the right CCA for me in the first place? I have so many phobias that I wonder if it's even normal? I have a huge fear of water, heights, insects (cockroaches especially), darkness (a little) and god knows what else. I've really tried to overcome them. But I still failed eventually. I knew for sure when I was on the bridge today, that my fear of heights is still deeply entrenched within me. To everyone else, it may pose no threat at all, cuz it wasn't exactly high. But to me, I was scared I would fall through one of the gaps, all the way down into the wide canal. The nerves just had to get to me and I can't seem to figure where they originate from. The adrenaline rush was almost constant. I caused inconvenience to people around me and I started feeling like crap. Like why can't I get anything right on my own for once? Every single activity I partake in, I would encounter some kinda psychological barrier that I am somehow unable to overcome. I feel so sick and tired of the faces that they give, as though as I am a good-for-nothing. Every single time, I develop doubts as to whether I am even fit to call myself an odacian. 'Challenge your limits'. Just how much have I actually done that? My limits are almost like without boundaries. I can never seem to break them? Damn. That left me feeling lousy today, and likewise for the other times. I don't like to show others that I am weak. I wanna succeed based on my own abilities. Somehow, everyone tends to think very lowly of me and I've kinda lost steam in my efforts to prove them wrong.
On top of all the shitty things, today's interrogation realllyy turned my mood topsy turvy. I swear, I've tried my very best to swallow my pride and thicken my skin but I still failed. One would never understand how another feels because he's not in the shoes of the person involved. That's exactly where the problem lies. It might not be a biggie to someone who has gotten what he wanted. But to someone who has absolutely nothing, it is almost like depriving him of air, of food, of water, of the essentials in life. I said everything out eventually. After all, even without me saying it out, they have already been talking among themselves. Spread from one to another. So even though I kept quiet about it all this while, the news have in fact been made known to everyone. Hm, should I say, intriguing?
Seriously, who cares about being fat, stupid, ugly anymore? Who cares about being physically unfit anymore? Who cares about having an unproportionate body anymore? Who cares about... 'whatever else that needs to be cared about' anymore? Although I may be clueless as to what one is thinking, I am sure someone out there would appreciate me for whoI am and not treat me like some kinda commodity or toy. Instead, just plain WeiLing being herself, ignoring the fact whether she fits the bill of an ideal partner. It's exhausting, really, to constantly try to be worthy enough of admiration. Who is without woes? I can honestly say that I am currently plagued with problems from all aspects of life, more so than I ever had been before. I am trying my best to control my emotions and face them. So why shouldn't you be brave and face your true feelings as well? Don't you find it tiring to be vague all the time and leave people around you puzzled and bewildered? Don't you find it hard to be suppressing your feelings all this while? I have a tendency to hide my true feelings too and it sucks. Despite having my own bout of problems, I still constantly told myself to reserve a portion of my energy and support for you, regardless of whether you appreciate it. But somehow, the exhaustion has kinda engulfed me. I've got so many problems right now and no one seems to be giving me the support I need. Battling this all alone is intimidating. Slowly, I felt myself struggling within myself to throw in the towel. And just when I was about to succeed, I was pulled back down with an SMS. It is seriously exasperating. I don't know what the heck is going on but I'm almost on the verge of just dropping everything and just let someone pick me up as though I was a gem instead, for a change? Damn, I've been typing for such a long time and I still don't really know wth I am trying to say.
All I know is tomorrow is exactly 1 year since I last watched any movie in a theatre. (I can't believe it myself either. Time flies and it's already 26, which very much reiterates the previous paragraph.) Anyway, tomorrow is The Day. I gotta do my Best, smile perpetually till my face's frozen, put as many '+' as I can around me and it's gonna be make or break.
C'mon, bring it on.
2:01:00 AM
Monday, June 15, 2009
Dance this for me, lol. =)
1:39:00 AM
Saturday, May 30, 2009
At times, I really wanna cry it all out. But I constantly remind myself to stay strong and not let others look down on me further than they already have. Any idea how tough it is to bottle everything inside me and still behave fine on the outside? I know it's pointless saying all these as it seems like my blog is revolving about these. I feel so helpless, so despised, so useless, so alone. I don't expect someone to be always there for me but I don't think it's a crime to wish there was someone to listen to me when I need it the most? I feel so alone now that I'm actually afraid. I feel like if I die this very moment, no one would really care. I have this feeling, I really do.
Sometimes at work, my physical self is there but my mind just blanks out and I find myself staring into space, thinking of all sorts of stuff. I've tried to talk to my colleagues more and joke along with them but a subconscious part of my mind just refuses to let go. So many times I just feel like breaking down in front of them but I know I cannot bring my personal affairs and emotions to work. I have to remain indifferent.
The past few nights have been spent bawling my eyes out in the middle of the night till my eyes are all puffy and swollen. I can't get to sleep at all. The moment I remain idle, all the problems would suddenly gush back into my mind. I tried to keep myself busy by tidying and cleaning my room for the entire night till 6am and then immediately went to run 25 rounds around the track. 10km after 2 entire days - more than 48 hours- without sleep almost made me collapse. Clocked a crappy timing of 1h 10mins. Can't be any shittier. I know it could be no kick to some people but being the weakling I am, it took a toll on my body, My vision was swinging in and out of darkness and I almost fainted on the track. I knew I couldn't let that happen to me because if it did, no one would even care or come save me. I would just be left there till life is sucked out of me.
I have no more energy left. Laugh, mock, ridicule all you want. What's left of me is my physical body. My mental health has been drained out completely. The value of my life is 0 now. Even if I drop dead this second, no one would care. No one. Why claim to be there when I need someone and not live up to your word? When I needed someone the most at this point in time, there ain't a single soul around, leaving me to fend for myself and get through the toughest period of my life all by myself. I know I've been saying I'm strong enough to get through these problems and I won't give up. But it's getting so tiring to keep everything inside that I fear I might just slip into depression anytime. I know I ought to be stronger than this. But, I am only human, not some robot that is devoid of emotions. I have feelings too. I can't always be as strong as how I appear..
Saying I am strong keeps everyone around me away for they think I'm able to survive. Saying I need someone for support still keeps everyone around me away as they think I'm mentally unstable and am a weakling. Weiling, what is your existence for? Why are you so despised by your "friends"? It's a big joke that I'm allowing myself to be susceptible to gossip by downgrading myself in my own blog. "Cheer up, Weiling", "feel free to talk to me anytime", "I'll be your listening ears". You may say these, but if I really do go to you to open up abt my problems, would you still be there to listen as mentioned? It's never so perfect, isn't it.
Why is everything in my life now hitting rock bottom? Family, academics, friendship, love.. There has been no one who appreciated me for who I am. If I died, would all the bad things in my life now come to an end? If so, I guess I wouldn't mind...?
12:53:00 AM
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
... Depression.
9:53:00 PM
Saturday, May 23, 2009
After 2 months of absence, I've decided to "open" my blog up for viewing again. Probably for just a short period before something triggers off for me to go on a hiatus once more. Actually, it's not so much of a hiatus as I've been blogging rather regularly whilst the blog was "gone". To those who have googled my blog with terms like "fancl" and "weiling", appreciate the fact that you (whoever you guys are) even bothered to google it. I guess I decided to hide my feelings by saving the previous entries as drafts and open this superficial blog once again.
I'm feeling so, SO, SO down right now. Have never felt this upset before. No, it's not about a guy. It's something else, something much more important than that. Damn, can't someone be there to listen? I'm really sad and disappointed to the limit this time. No one's supportive. No one's ever there when I need someone..
My eyes are puffy. I feel wasted.
1:25:00 AM
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Leaving on a Jetplane
All my bags are packed Im ready to go Im standin here outside your door I hate to wake you up to say goodbye But the dawn is breakin Its early morn The taxis waitin Hes blowin his horn Already Im so lonesome I could die
So kiss me and smile for me Tell me that youll wait for me Hold me like youll never let me go cause Im leavin on a jet plane Dont know when Ill be back again Oh babe, I hate to go
Theres so many times Ive let you down So many times Ive played around I tell you now, they dont mean a thing Evry place I go, Ill think of you Evry song I sing, Ill sing for you When I come back, Ill bring your wedding ring
So kiss me and smile for me Tell me that youll wait for me Hold me like youll never let me go cause Im leavin on a jet plane Dont know when Ill be back again Oh babe, I hate to go
Now the time has come to leave you One more time Let me kiss you Then close your eyes Ill be on my way Dream about the days to come When I wont have to leave alone About the times, I wont have to say
Oh, kiss me and smile for me Tell me that youll wait for me Hold me like youll never let me go cause Im leavin on a jet plane Dont know when Ill be back again Oh babe, I hate to go
But, Im leavin on a jet plane Dont know when Ill be back again Oh babe, I hate to go
1 more day to go and then T3 here I come. Be back a week later. Cheerios.
1:35:00 AM
Sunday, March 01, 2009
Happy birthday peak siah!
12:49:00 AM
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Even though I'm like SUPER TIRED from work (It's 11.54pm, I just reached home!), I cannot resist the urge to blog about my first day at work =D
Firstly, let me touch on the travelling time. It took me about 1 hour to go from paya lebar to boon lay! Thank god I brought a book to read on the train. Upon reaching Jurong point, I got lost. Lol. I had to ask around for directions. Luckily I reached Jurong Point earlier, so that allowed me buffer time to find the place. The staff there are very nice. They were patient in teaching me. Gave me all the pamphlets and samples to go home and try. Yup, all the products seemed foreign to me =/ But I will try my best to know more about how to use them. And one of the staff whom I had dinner with even treated me to a drink.
I'm the only part-timer in the store, while the rest are all full-timers. Full-timers have uniforms, which is a white blazer and skirt cum a dark blue blouse with a scarf. Apparently, part-timers are not provided with uniforms because they have not enough uniforms -.- The whole shop was brightly lit with white walls and shelves. And there I was, the only hei ren in the store, dressed in black from top to bottom -.- But most of the time I'm behind the counter doing cashiering or replenishing stocks. No sitting rule applies, as in all retail jobs. Standing all day in HEELS is no joke seriously. My legs hurt a lot now, with blisters =( But they told me I can sit down on the couch sometimes if I'm really tired. Haha. And I can drink water! Unlike in kino, where I can't drink water at the counter. In this job, I can drink water if there's no customer or by squatting down behind the counter =D
For break, there's no designated timing. I can excuse myself for lunch/dinner break any time, but of course with the exception that there's enough manpower in the store. If not I gotta wait for someone to come back from her break. Break is normally 1h. But I can go for just half an hour. And I'll still be paid for the other half an hour. I was planning to try that today. But because I was eating with my colleague and I ate too slowly -.-, I couldn't finish my food within half an hour. So I just took a full hour break.
They are very particular about the dress code though. I gotta bun up my hair cuz my ponytail is below the collar.. -.- My colleague will teach me how to use the net to bun it up =) And for earrings, even though I'm already wearing simple silver studs, but because it's heart shaped, they said preferably normal ROUNDstuds -.-
I'm gonna be permanently at Jurong Point though =( Unless other branches are short of manpower, at which I'll then be deployed there. Otherwise, it'll be JP, which is really quite far for me. But ok la, I don't really mind since the people there are nice =) Right now I only know my schedule for the next 3 days. Lol. Tomorrow 2-10pm, Sat 1-10pm, Sun off.
I'm really very tired now =( Not used to working life again. But I will soon get used to it! Yup, call me insane, but it's nice to feel this tired somehow.. Gotta catch some rest now.
11:51:00 PM
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
I went for the fancl job interview yesterday and got a confirmation call today, saying that I would be able to start work tomorrow. 1pm-10pm at Jurong point. Jurong point leh. That's damn far for me. I'm gonna stone all the way from paya lebar to boon lay. Zzz. So far I only know my posting and hours for tomorrow. Will know the remaining of the schedule tomorrow. Hopefully I'll be posted to somewhere nearer my home.
When the call came at about 5pm today, I panicked. Cuz I haven't gotten the attire nor the shoes. Apparently, they said the call would be within this week. So I thought that work would probably start next week and I would have the remaining of this week to get my stuff. So when the call unexpectedly came, telling me I was to start work tomorrow, I panicked. I rushed to G2000 to get the clothes. The dress code is black collared top, black bottom and black covered shoes with heels. (Must have heels. Flats cannot -.-) I had NONE of the items mentioned above. My black heels at home were open-toes. So it only meant one thing- money outflow =( Although I managed to finish buying everything in about 3hours, it was such a rush! If I had more time, I would have looked for cheaper alternatives. But I needed the stuff urgently, so I had no choice but to get them today. (Although the shoes were very cheap! $17.50 after discount. I was looking for the cheapest shoes available, lol.) So yea, basically, with the attire and all, I am black from top to toe. First time wearing working clothes. Lol.
The job is paying pretty well, especially in the current recession. But the crappy part is I have to put make up to work -.- For someone like me who doesn't put make up when I go out unless it's a special occasion, make up is sort of a chore. Hehe =D But I'll survive somehow. So yea, I'll see how it goes tomorrow. My FIRST time to Jurong Point. Lol! Yea, I'm that suaku, never been there before.. =D 1-10pm.. By the time I reach home, it 'll be 11+pm already =( But since I'm seeking to exhaust myself, I guess this is the solution? Jiayou, Weiling! =)
